Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Ugly Little Past of Mine

Tonight is one of those nights for me where you sit and think about all of your past. The good, the bad, the ugly, the bitter. But mostly- the bad, ugly, and bitter part. I'd be a lying fool if I said that I have a past I'm happy to rant and rave over. And you're only entertaining yourself if you think I don't know who you are that have said things behind my back about who I was, what I was doing, who I was dating, and how I was acting. I know there were close friends who talked, teammates that walked away instead of coming and asking if all was okay. And maybe...if you don't know me from my past... you don't have a clue what in the world I'm talking about. It's okay. Just know that my past sucked. Probably not as bad as some people's...but I definitely wasn't partying with Jerusalem Cruisers on in college.

Speaking of....College. The days where you're finally free. Free to make all your own choices, study what you want to study, try to become a doctor and play a fall sport at the same time, date the most pathetic guys on the face of the planet but for some reason...still think you owed them a line or two, an "I love you," or maybe more than an innocent kiss. It was the days where you wanted no commitments but yet a focused, committed, and planned path for your academic study. I wish I could say that I absolutely loved college.I was supposed to have loved it. Hell- I had all the right ingredients sitting in my mixing bowl. Highly prestigious academic education, pre-med track to be a pediatric cardiologist, scholarship volleyball athlete, and a myth that you can easily find your future husband at "a school like this."

God LOLed at this and "shared" this with his disciples. "Hey guys..let's show Stacie what's up!" Oh boy did he ever. Here's how it went down for me instead.

1.Partied a little too hard some nights (even did a cartwheel into a dumpster to start my college days of right).
2. Got rat blood on my face and fainted in bio lab so I opted out of the pre-med track (oh not to mentioned I was failing on top of that).
3. Ripped my shoulder to pieces shreds smithereens and was forced by the will of my own body after two surgeries and extensive nerve damage to find another dream besides volleyball.
4. Had a track record of "gems" of "gentleman" to fill the voids in my love life. One I even crashed into a deer on Interstate 85 going 105 mph AND reached my lowest weight ever in a state of depression at 125lbs at 6 feet tall. All because he was such a gentleman and I thought he was "the one." I might as well have just been smoking crack on top of all that too! I won't go into the other gentleman I dated.
5. There's more but that's another blog post.

Life got good though, y'all. Through the main "gentleman" in my college days, I was directly introduced to the man that is now my husband and the father of my precious little boy. He stole my attention from the moment I met him at Bertolo's Pizza in downtown Greenville in March of 2008. He was the tall, dark, mysterious type...who ordered spaghetti at a pizza place. He seemed familiar, yet only later to realize that he was the man I used to serve invisible food to at my Fisher Price party kitchen table.

We were inseparable. He brought out the best in me (most of the time...come on, keepin' it real)...something I had not seen come out of me since I was young. I won't bore you with all the details of our relationship, engagement, marriage, and journey of parenthood. I will share with you that it is because of this fine gentleman that I now know the Lord again. He took me to a church service in Greenville at the beginning of our relationship and I felt nervous not only because of the huge screens (I grew up traditional Methodist), but because I had not stepped foot in a church since I was little, playing the bells, and had ugly bangs. I wept so hard that service. I don't even remember what the preacher said, but I just remember the way I felt. Relieved. Rested. Pure. Happy. Forgiven.

My faith has had it's up, downs, backwards, and forwards, since this day at my first church service with Michael. However, as a collective whole, it has grown immensely and even more so since giving birth to our son. It's funny how having children make you really say, "Dangit, I shouldn't have done that...now listen- don't do what Mommy did!"

This past Sunday I had to go to church alone since Michael was working night shift. Not only did I weep like I did that day with Michael in 2008, but I raised my hands high, higher than they've ever been, and I felt God's presence in me, around me, through me. It was simply....amazing.

The past is gone. I hate my past. If you know my past, I'm sure you hated it too. And I am forgiving you right now if you're one of the ones reading this that was a friend that walked away when what I needed most was someone to walk into my life and shake me and say WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING!?  I am learning to forgive and let go of bitterness because Jesus did. Gosh it's funny how I walked WAY away from him, trashed his name, made him get out the "bleep" machine and censored bar, but I'm allowed to come back. I'm forgiven. Forgiveness is imperative to have a happy heart.

I want to thank those of you that have never walked away from me. Your friendship, love, and genuine hearts have gotten me through to where I am now. And I love you guys with all of my heart. One girl in particular I owe a huge thank you to. She came to me in college as a late roommate and we instantly clicked. When she saw concern in my life,she stayed and fought it with me. She was there when I weighed 125lbs and when I weighed 191lbs when I was pregnant. You know who you are and I am ever appreciative for you and your heart.

But now- right now. I have God. I'll say it again. I have God.  He's someone I didn't have then. I believed but I didn't have him in my heart. I am saved. I am being re-baptized at Newspring Church in the next few weeks and I am so excited for this huge moment in my life.

I'm asking for your prayers as I prepare for my baptism coming up. I will try to remember to update as to when that is.

Thanks for listening and God Bless.


P.S. If you've got a crappy past...regrets....anything...He is there. I promise.


  1. My heart is on fire after reading this post. And you definitely don't have to comment back. I just feel like I need to write.

    I remember Senior year...I was dating Matt Schroeder...and I rode with Sequoyah's volleyball team bus to some school for the championship. That's my one vivid memory of you in high school...minus who you dated, of course. And I'll never forget that night because it was so much fun. And everyone on that bus just seemed like REAL people. I'll never forget it.

    Now, I say that to say this...

    We've been out of school for what, over 8 years now? There are not a lot of people from Sequoyah who I am friends with on FB, for various reasons. The few who I am friends with, it is for some reason or another. And you're one of those people.

    I see similarities between us...whether it's God, our family, or where you live now {like I told you...my husband Grew up in Anderson & used to work in G-ville...and some of my friends through Greg go to Newspring. And they LOVE it!} He's actually been to Furman for something...I can't remember what it was though :(

    ANYWAY, I just want to say your post was spot-on. Especially for me and my life. And even though high school doesn't define a person, I hope you know that I value you as a person. I think this makes me sound like a creeper. So I should probably stop. But I hope you know what I'm trying to say. So I'm glad that something like Facebook brought you into my life. And thank you for keeping me as a friend.

  2. Sweet friend. The tears are streaming down my face. We all have ugly pasts whether we realize (and admit) it or not. We are sinners and sin is ugly.

    Your heart and love ministered to my girl (and me) during a very difficult year. (Betcha didn't know that, huh?)

    You continue to bless me with your honesty and transparency. You encourage me to be a better mom and wife. Your enthusiasm is absolutely contagious.

    God is the God of love, redemption, grace, mercy, blessings and new beginnings. I'm so excited that you have found Him, really found Him. It is a transforming adventure!!

    Please keep us posted on the baptism. That same sweet girl is struggling with being baptized herself. I would love to take her to yours. It would bless us both greatly.

    I am so very thankful to call you friend.

    PS Please let us keep that sweet boy for you one night/afternoon/week. She is begging me to see him and play with him. :)